I’m having one of those melancholy depressing moments. The sad Ipod playlist is echoing in my head bringing my mood further down into the pit of crap. I’m sure no one wants to hear it so that is why I’m turning to this place to voice my feelings cuz not a lot of people read this blog. Bwahahaha. Sarcastic laughter ringing in my head now. It is sort of funny. I thought I finally found where I belonged. Maybe everyone who writes thinks it when they are holding that finished manyscript in their hand, sending out that query and planning for the big celebration when the YES finally comes. And then it doesn’t, but you think hell I haven’t sent out that many querys. Round two starts with guarded hopefulness and more NO’s show up. You have bad days where you want to delete everything off your computer and burn all the evidence of the existence of an unpublished novel.

And then you have nights like this one, when it doesn’t seem like it’s worth it anymore. Those crazy dreams of becoming a published author are just that…crazy fucking dreams…like everything you’ve ever done has been…stupid crazy dreams. The clock is ticking so loudly now you want to smash it against the wall, but nothing you do can make time stop. It just keeps moving forward, leaving you in the dust clinging to stupid dreams. Oh my fucking God, I’m bumming tonight.

All this writing…for what…I know…hey you actually did what you set out to do…you said you were going to write a book and you did…more than one…that has to count for something…right now I don’t think it does…nothing has changed…it’s all still the same shit, different fucking day…I thought this was where I fit, but I’m beginning to think I don’t belong here either…do you ever feel like your destined for nothing…you’ve spent your entire life existing, but not really living…dream after dream or maybe they were all schemes…until there’s nothing anymore. I don’t know what’s important anymore? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do? Put the manuscripts in a drawer. The thought makes me want to puke. And cry…it makes me want to cry…Has it beaten me down to where I’m ready to abandon ship and float around doing nothing for the rest of my life. Do I admit defeat and melt into an existence where I punch a time clock everyday and do something I hate doing, because that what I’m supposed to do…be responsible…disappear…drown in the conformity of living a life that everyone else expects me to act out…am I ready to give up? Ready to say I tried I regret nothing. Could I actually say I regret nothing if I hid in a drawer? Tonight I would like to crawl in that drawer, but maybe tomorrow a new sentiment will shine through. But for now, I’m crawling in that drawer with the unread, unpublished manuscript. Oh and all my fanfics. I don’t know what possessed me to write them and right now I really would like to pull them and quit.

Whoa! Wow! WTF! I’m gonna talk about fanfic again. On Friday I posted a new chappie for Game On Baby and I got…get this…over one thousand hits that day. I almost fainted. Once again…Dear Agent…Read my f*cking orginal works!

I’m crawling out of the fanfic cave and heading over to my YA story. Trying to decide if I should rewrite it in third person. Right now the way the book is set up is a little strange. The lead female character tells her story and then the chappie is retold from the male character’s point of view. I could leave it the way it is, make them two seperate books or rewrite in the third person. Gah. Maybe I need a mentor. Someone swoop down and tell me what to do. Damn!

Besides looking over my old work I really want to go back and work on the third installment in A Jump Through Time. Of course, I should finish the rewrite on the second book. It’s almost complete but I’ve been so discouraged with the lack of yes’s from agents. I know I need to finish the story because not completing the story would drive me crazy. I need to know exactly how it ends up and the only way to do that is for me to finish the books. I have an idea of the ending but right now I’m torn between how it will end for the two doods in the story. I may need to write two different endings. There just isn’t enough time in every day. Gah. Real life boring things always seem to get in the way. Pfftt…I’d like a break from real life for about two weeks where I can just write and Be.

Since I’m not personally divested in the Super Bowl today (Stupid Vikings) I’ll probably have one eye on the tv and the other eye working on my writing.

It’s another fanfic day. I know everyone(well the four people who read this blog) are probably sick of hearing about my fanfic, but I just posted another chapter of Game On Baby this morning and the hits are going nuts. Last time I check I was standing at 464 hits and in my world it’s only noon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5626218/7/Game_On_Baby  Just a little friendly reminder…this fiction is rated M for Mature for a reason. Hawt Lemons and Nasty language.

Dear Agent…check out my fanfiction stories. See people do enjoy my writing. You should read my original stories. Just saying…

If only it were that easy. Besides the fanfiction fun, I’m trying to decide if I should enter my story into another contest. This one requires a one page synopsis. The two page one almost killed me. I can’t imagine cramming an entire novel into one page. I have a few more days before the deadline but I probably should decide today.

I also had a weird dream the other night. I turned my story into a screen play. That’s the only part of the dream I remember. Don’t know if I pitched the story, don’t know if it sold, maybe it was turned into a movie and won an academy award. BAHAHA!  Jeesh, I don’t even know how to write a screen play. Although I do have a book…but I’ve never read it. I already have too many pots on the stove right now. Actually, I may have tripped on some of them. I’m beginning to pile them on the floor. Too much going on. I should concentrate on a few things instead of trying to do everything. Speaking of doing too many thing at once, I just glanced down and I have 6 windows open. I’m doomed.

I’m going to go think about that contest for a few minutes and eat some chocolate. Chocolate helps me think.

I’m on information overload. There is so much shit on the internet about self publishing and ebooks, a person could go mad reading it all. I admit I’m a total beginner and I’m just curious because I would like to have a backup plan if I can’t get any agents to even look at my stuff. I know I have a viable story and if no one in the industry is going to look at it…well self publishing seems to be the way to go. I refuse to put the damn thing in a f*cking drawer. grumble…grumble…Anyway, where the heck was I? Um, oh yeah, self publishing. I know I have admitted this many times before but I really hate reading all the background crap. (I’m not into reading directions) I just want someone to tell me the best way to go with self publishing. Anyone? Hello? Well, fack, guess that won’t work. I’m sure there are self publishing success stories aren’t there? Where the hell are they? I want to read some of them.

You may be asking why all the sudden interest in self publishing. Maybe it’s a control issue. Maybe it’s a I can’t stand the waiting anymore issue and I’m so freaking frustrated with this businesss that I can hardly stand it or maybe it’s because I really don’t understand why it takes so long to get a book from the computer to the comsumer. I mean I think people are reading right now and the industry should be riding the coat tails of successful books like Twilight and The Harry Potter Series. Why the hell wait for people to move on to other things? If you freaking have them in the bookstore now is the chance to pounce on them. I know people say creating a book takes time. The editing process…blah, blah, blah. Editing doesn’t take that long unless there are major plot or structural issues with the story and then it’s not editing, it’s called a freaking rewrite. Edit the book, choose the layout, design the cover, write the thank you’s and print the freaking book. Doesn’t sound that difficult to me. I’ve said it before…we are a NOW society and for some of us waiting is not in our nature. If I can’t have what I want now, then I’ll move on to something else. It’s as simple as that. So instead of trying to protect the book industry as it stands, I think we should embrace technology and use it to our advantage. I know their will be total shizz that gets printed, but hell, I’ve already read a lot of crap and they are printed books.

Whoa, that was a long rant. I must be passionate about my story.

Sweet glorious fanfiction. Nothing like it. It’s like a drug for your ego. I added a new story in The Mortal Instruments ategory and the hits went over 160. Yesterday I popped up a new chapter for Game On Baby and the hits went over 500 again. And I put the chapter up late in the afternoon. We shall see how many hits it gets today. I would like to be able to post on Fridays but I post when the words and chapters come out. I’m going to write some more today on the fanfiction stuff. Not many reviews yet, but I am guilty of doing that as well. I have not reveiwed any of the stories I regularly read and I know I should do it. I obviously like the reviews so I’m sure other authors do as well. I’m going to add that to my list of things to do…if I read a fanfic and I like the story, I’m going to review. Feed the writers’ egos. It’s a good thing.

I really do need to get back to my original works. I need to send a few more querys out this week. (even though I don’t want to) I still have three out in the world that have not been answered yet. Not that that means anything, because sometimes agents choose to ignore you. Yeah, I’ve heard it all…they get tons of querys blah, blah, blah. It’s there freaking job and sending an email takes like three seconds. As much as I hate form letters, at least you know.

I had my writers group meeting this weekend and we talked about self publishing. I would really like to talk to someone who has had a good experience with self publication. I know I’ve only been to one writer’s conference, but when the topic of self publishing was brought up all the editors and agents pretty much thumbed their noses at it. I don’t get that. Obviously with all this technology available to the masses, people are going to self publish, especially if they know they have a decent product. I think that’s why I’m doing fanfiction. If the writing and the stories are good, people are going to find them. I’ve blogged about this before. I’m testing the waters to see if I’m good and so far I’m happy with the results. People are reading my stuff. That’s more than I can say for the f*cking agents. Maybe that’s harsh but dammit, I’m frustrated and no one is helping point me in the right direction. Crabby writer girl speaks.

And I’m off to the fanfiction writing cave! And remember my fanfiction cave is rated M for nasty language and naughty lemons. Here’s the link to Chapter Six of Game On Baby!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5626218/6/Game_On_Baby

I didn’t send out anymore querys out yesterday. I know bad, but I didn’t feel like it. I’m not doing any today either. Friday is not a day to send out querys in the email. I don’t know the reasoning behind it but I’m using it as an excuse today. Besides, I’m crawling back into my fanfiction cave. I almost have another one shot ready to post and I really need to get back to Game on Baby. I was busy looking at my stats, actually marveling at them. For the month of January I’ve had 4250 hits. To me that’s amazing. I mean there are so many stories under Twilight that I just don’t know how they are finding mine. I looked and currently there are over 130,000 stories posted under Twilight. And they found mine. Ya hear that agents..shakes fist…I do know how to write a story. You should give me a chance and read one of my original ones…hmmph…I also was doing some research on fanfiction and yes, Cassandra Clare did write fanfiction. She was also accused of plagarism. Wow, but look at her now. I absolutely loved The Mortal Instruments Series. And she’s working on more books to add to the story. By Gawd, though, if she screws with Jace again, I may have to hunt her down and punch her in the arm. Don’t screw with Jace. Let him have Clary.

Anyway, I need to put up the next chapter for Game on Baby because the last time I put a new chapter up I got over 500 hits in one day. I want to see if I can surpass that, so today, after the gym, I’m going to work on finishing the Mortal Instruments one shot and then work on the next chapter of Game on Baby. I think I’m going to continue with the tennis references and maybe move into hockey. There’s a ton of great sex references in hockey. Could make for smoking hot lemons again. WooHoo! I shall be observing when I go to an actually hockey game this evening. Maybe I should bring my notebook.

This is the link to my stories on fanfiction. Keep in mind these stories are rated M for a reason. Naughty Lemons and Nasty Language, so if it’s not your thing don’t read it! You have been WARNED

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2128928/

Ah, all is right with the world. Shit. I’m back in the query game and already I’m holding a no. A form rejection No. Heavy f*cking sigh. Tell me again why I’m doing this? What’s funny is I didn’t even pause to open to email. I just opened it, sawthe no, shrugged my shoulders and moved on to the next email. WTF. Maybe when the no’s stop affecting you it’s time to quit. I don’t know. Here I am five minutes later and my stubborness has turned on and I’m wondering why I can’t get someone to read this story. They say they want something different. Don’t bring out the vamps or the faeries or the weres, but what the hell do they want. Mine is different, but they won’t read it. It’s so frustrating. I need to keep reminding myself of Stephen King and his stake driven through all his rejections. Maybe I need my own stake.

Today, I’m going to try and do some fanfiction writing. That always makes me feel better. Smut is a cure-all. I started another one shot for Mortal Instruments, City of Glass, so I think I’ll try to finish that today and then get back in the game with Game on Baby. Last time I updated that story I got over 500 hits in one day. Lord knows, I need an ego boost.

I had another spark of an idea in the middle of the night so I’m going to get that down on paper as well. Going to be a busy and productive day at the writing table. For some reason I’m feeling optimistic today. Weird, but okay. No moping just moving forward. I’ll keep hoping for that elusive yes, because I still have some querys out there which means there still could be a yes. Right? Right! No querys out. No chance of a Yes. It’s as simple as that.

I swear technology is against me! Holy shizz, I’m trying to send out querys via email that look decent and lo and behold…they look like shit! If I cut and paste my word documents into my email they reformat themselves. What the Hell? It’s hard enough to send your stuff out already, I don’t need technology to f*ck it up for me. I am proud to say I can do than all by myself. And to make matters even better, my techy friend who actually likes to read directions doesn’t think there is a solution. So what, do I sit down and retype 50 pages of my manuscript into an email.

Then to make matters worse, I sit and think about all the querys I alread emailed. I wonder what the hell they looked like? Shit they probably weren’t even readable. The agents are probably wondering what kind of writer can’t even format a letter. *face palm*

Yesterday I did send out two hard copies to agents. At least I know how they are formatted, unless of course the Postal system decides to throw them in the mud or something. It would be just my luck. SIGH. I swear the cosmic universe is against me. Sometimes it makes me laugh, other times I kinda wanna cry, but usually I just want to flip it off and tell it to get f*cked. BAHAHAHA..,

Guess I better get to work on typing my email querys. JEEZ! 

I’m choking here! I’m back in the game of sending out querys again. I only hope I’m on the right playing field and brought the right equipment. I seem to sometimes show up at the wrong place with the wrong stuff. I think I may barf and I’ve only emailed one today. Shizz!

Okay, I want to know what a yes feels like. Please! Down on my knees begging. I know, the story and the writing has to speak to the agent. Well, come on speak, talk, roll over, whatever, just get the job done because I want a yes!

And what is everyone else doing today? I seem to be freaking out and I haven’t even had any caffeine yet. As soon as I’m done with this post, I’m going to send another query out. I may as well live on the edge right. Maybe I’ll send two more out. I think Tuesday is a fine day to send out queries. Or maybe it’s Wednesday? I don’t know anything anymore. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to know anything about the world of writing.

OMG OMG jumping up and down. I finally have, in my hand, a completed copy of my query AND I’m actually satisfied with the damn thing. I may pass out. Now if I only knew if it has the correct words to attract an agent. Gah, nothing is ever easy is it!! What do they always say nothing good is ever easy. Well, f*ck, just once wouldn’t it be nice if it was easy. 

Anyway, I’ve started compiling my list of agents to query. I found a new site that some agents use. I figure I might as well try it. I recognize the names of some of the agents so why not try this service. I started filling out my profile and now that I have a query, I might as well finish it and send it to the agents. http://www.webook.com

Thinking about sending out querys again makes my stomach hurt. I’m trying not to think about another flood of no’s. I really am trying to stay positive and hope for a yes. One is all it takes. Three little letters. YES. Crap, I’m starting to hyperventilate again. (rolls eyes) I know it’s ridiculous but I want this. I really want this. I don’t think I’ve ever focused on one thing for so long. I know it’s hasn’t been a year yet, but damn, I want it to happen. I try not to think about it not happening. That just makes me wanna gag.

Tomorrow I will start sending out querys again. I wonder if Tuesday is a good day to Query?