Posted by: drizl | October 4, 2010

Is Something Ever Going to Happen?

I suppose you could say this post is going to be more like a journal entry and it probably should be, but I’m too lazy to walk across the room and find a pen and my journal. I don’t even know what to write to make myself feel better. I feel silly and foolish, but I’m having a difficult time today. This weekend I was at a writer’s conference and once again, nothing happened.

I don’t know if I can stand much more of that…nothing happened, nothing ever happens. How do you make something happen? No matter how bad you want something you can’t make it happen, can you? I thought I was using all the correct channels but they don’t seem to work. There’s a black cloud following me around and it’s starting to get old. How do I explain this? Nothing bad happened at the conference… just nothing happened. As my last post said, I did find the balls to get up and read aloud the prologue to my story, but then there was supposed to be a first chapter and synopsis evaluation with an editor. Said editor did not make it to the conference. I wasn’t the only one this affected but it was, I don’t know, not unexpected. If I didn’t have bad luck; I probably wouldn’t have any luck.

By the time the conference ended I was emotionally drained. At the end of my rope…use any shitty cliche…I almost ditched the casual dinner, but I reapplied my eyeliner and went. Maybe I looked pathetic and people thought I needed some encouragement be it real or not, but I visited with some incredible writers and they actually mentioned my reading on Friday night. They enjoyed it and said it made them want to hear more. I’ve become so skeptical that it’s hard for me to accept a compliment. I can’t tell what’s real anymore.

I’ve read a lot of blogs and advice for artists and a lot of people always say rejection is never personal. Fuck that, it is…the words on the page are mine and it does hurt to get all these rejections and never know why. In a way, it’s nice to not know why because then you can tell yourself that that person doesn’t know shit. But what if someone told you that we rejected you because you fucking suck.

So, why am I doing this? I have no fucking clue anymore.

Hey I didn’t say anything about Jackson Rathbone or Robert Pattinson in this post. Seriously, that’s just wrong…


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